cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Worst perfume name ever.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.