@iFluff8

Millions of people are killed every year because they didn’t check behind the shower curtain first.

Be smart.

Peep before you poop.

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@ericsshadow

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

@vaginadental

I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it

@max_pad21

I failed my Driver’s test. Driving teacher: “What do you do at a red light?” Me: “I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter.”

@Shenaniglenns

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

@JohnLyonTweets

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

@MollyERA

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME