Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.