Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician