Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
You Might Also Like
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho