[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
📽️movie date🎞️