What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.