The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Somewhere in an alternate universe