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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta


Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.


Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.


Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.


[Therapist’s office]
Husband: She takes everything, literally
T: What do you mean?
*Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I’m stealing*


I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.


Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”


Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?


therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants