Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Husband: She takes everything, literally
T: What do you mean?
*Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I’m stealing*
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
In space, no one can hear…
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants