Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
You Might Also Like
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My kitchen overserved me.
Where is your GOD now????
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.