“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
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“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.