Mind games aren’t a challenge. “Meet me in the condiments aisle of Tesco and bring a bib,” is a challenge.

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[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]


Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie


[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*


[first date]

her: [checking phone] OMG my dad had a heart attack

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] good


If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating


Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.


DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on


I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead



Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?