@soulindivision2

Mind games aren’t a challenge. “Meet me in the condiments aisle of Tesco and bring a bib,” is a challenge.

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@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

@BoogTweets

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

@DurtMcHurtt

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

@james_comics

[first date]

her: [checking phone] OMG my dad had a heart attack

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] good

@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@caithuls

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

@gitson_shiggles

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?