A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.