Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Duck typos.
who wore it better?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.