@bobvulfov

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

@Cpin42

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

@BGH70

My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.

I’m really starting to worry about this virus…

@Robert_Beau

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

@Sanbel11

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

@ceejoyner

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

@wickedsuga

I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.

@good_one_rick

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*