My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.
I’m really starting to worry about this virus…
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*