[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
You Might Also Like
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.