@AnOrangeSNES

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

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@SteveSuckington

Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”

Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”

@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

@unmehlievable

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

@itsthatAsh

Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they’re like “Yeah, you haven’t got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit.”

@TheNardvark

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

@SteveSuckington

[job interview]

“What’s your..”

*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic

“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”

@garrettbarry70

Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.

@Jake_Vig

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.