Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”
Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.
Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they’re like “Yeah, you haven’t got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit.”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic
“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”
Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.