[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti