Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.