@ABurgerADay

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

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@ewfeez

If u want to get out of a conversation in public just say “I’ve gotta take this” then steal the nearest for-sale item and get arrested.

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@sammyrhodes

Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”

@patrickhogan91

Can’t get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@Playing_Dad

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

@jonnysun

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

@drinksmcgee

“Cover your mouth when you cough or I’ll kill you and your entire family”

– The new motivational poster I’ve hung in my office at work

@NonCombosMentos

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”