Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Genius idea!!
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.