[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.