Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
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i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.