Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
You Might Also Like
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Thank you corporation very cool
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.