“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

You Might Also Like


I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up


DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,


Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.


I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket


Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.


Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.


Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy


Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.


The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend