@UncleDuke1969

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

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@MintyCow

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

@jonnysun

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

@AllTheUglyTruth

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

@darkpassenger74

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

@effinghandbook

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

@gobmentcheese

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

@cal_gif

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

@dumbbeezie

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

@mrtruthandsoul

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend