Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

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One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.


*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*


“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – neighborhood drunk


today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore


BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do


I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.


If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it’s a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.


Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?


My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.