Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
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Hey! This isn’t my car!
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?