Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
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Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell