Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

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What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?



“This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see ’em!”
“But I can’t-”
*t-rex panics*


In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I’d NEVER make it as a writer.
Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I’m ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp


They put yogurt in a tube and called it Gogurt and we were all on board. But the party ended there.

Why can’t I get a tube of Mashed Gotatoes anywhere? Where’s America’s entrepreneurial spirit? I can’t be the only one thinking this.

Very disappointed.


what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise


So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.


The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.


[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.