Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
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I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.