Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

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[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker


I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth


Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich


A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.


If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.


CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?


I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”