Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die