Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

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I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet


Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.


Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.


13: Dad, What’s detour mean?

Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.


I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.


Me: if u kill a murderer the number of murderers in the world doesn’t change

Her: yeah… anyway your total will be $8.49 at the 2nd window


Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.


I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.