Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
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YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York