Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
You Might Also Like
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]