Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
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My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I’m confused about plants
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.