I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
If vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?
My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.