@TheLadBible

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@IamJackBoot

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

@Bob_Janke

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

@OMGSoOverIt

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

@kenzianidiot

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

@bazecraze

If vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?

@Jam453Lane

My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.

@JoParkerBear

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

@natedog2049

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

@NoTheOtherJohn

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

@AndyRichter

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.