@SirEviscerate

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

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@Browtweaten

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

@WheelTod

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

@LuvPug

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

@TeaPainUSA

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

@Sophie2078

Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.

@Darlainky

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

@13spencer

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

@jakob_huber

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.