Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
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ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy