Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.