@AmishPornStar1

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

You Might Also Like

@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”

@candy_badass

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

@lecalabara

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

@AndyRichter

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

@refreshingslurp

Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

@MrGeorgeWallace

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

@novicefather

You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.

@10InchesPlus

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

@mrkoodge

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*