I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”
They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets
Him: no seriously where is my insulin
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
ME: k see u tonight
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*