Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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next level snooze
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
what it’s like dating me:
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
handsome & gretel