“Miss me yet?” – 2019
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Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.