@EJT___

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

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@DumbConfessions

*sees couple holding hands*

*violently breaks them apart*

“Go. You’re free now.”

@Donna_McCoy

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

@behindyourback

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

@buhsbaby_baby

Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.

@Mr_Kapowski

[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents

@KelleysBreakRm

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

@fatguythe

Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.

@jakob_huber

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

@thenatewolf

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

@hunbothered

I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.

Don’t make it weird.