Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

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*sees couple holding hands*

*violently breaks them apart*

“Go. You’re free now.”


Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.


“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”


Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.


[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents


The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.


Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.


“Still upset about earlier?”
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”


Capitalization can really change a sentence.


I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.


I keep the clumps of hair from my shower drain as pets.

Don’t make it weird.