“You go girl” – asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need