While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad