@wilw

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

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@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

@rolldiggity

Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

@kaL12578

people will make fun of you for believing in astrology and then be like “every hotel we ever built has no 13th floor”

@Thedudish

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

@apok842

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

@JustMeTurtle

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

@Thee1_4U

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.