@wilw

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

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@CraigChamberlin

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

@PhriendlyCody

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

@TheToddWilliams

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

@TuSoonShakur

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

@Browtweaten

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

@bobinhiding

When the wife says, “Would you rather spend time with your imaginary friends than with me?” “Yeah, kind of.” Is not the right answer.

@hoedeehoe

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

@GrantTanaka

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

@Area51eh

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.nnnI gave her all my wrinkled shirts.nnnAnd that’s how the fight started.