“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
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you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question