“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.


Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?


people will make fun of you for believing in astrology and then be like “every hotel we ever built has no 13th floor”


As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.


[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where


I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.


That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.


Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone… Brb.