Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: Hi you look uglier online
missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night
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i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I’m hungry but broke so I’m waiting for my bf to say he’s hungry too than he’ll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I’m with family or a girl.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.