missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

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My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.


My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other


My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.


[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never


BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know


Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault


What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”