@AbleLikes

missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

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@psybermonkey

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

@abbycohenwl

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

@That_Damn_Duck

*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!

@QwertyJones3

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

@Fruit_Slinger

I’m hungry but broke so I’m waiting for my bf to say he’s hungry too than he’ll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.

@3sunzzz

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

@RexChapman

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

@bibbymoynihan

If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I’m with family or a girl.

@DearAuntAbby

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.