missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

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Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok


Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online


i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple


*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!


Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots


I’m hungry but broke so I’m waiting for my bf to say he’s hungry too than he’ll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.


Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.


This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️


Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”


If you ever see me in a restaurant, please approach my table and do your Drunk Uncle impression. Especially if I’m with family or a girl.


Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.