I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor