anyone else ever just?
missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night
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My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let’s take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I’ll get the other
My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”