Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
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If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead