Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.

You Might Also Like


Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”


when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”


[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there


I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.


Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.


I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…


*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”


“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”