@Thunderhunk3000

Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.

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@aveuaskew

Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”

@EJGomez

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

@stephenjmolloy

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

@DaHess1

I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I’m still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.

@Babasnookie

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today, and believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

@TheAlexNevil

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

@AmishPornStar1

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”