Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
So we got a goldfish…
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth