@LostCatDog

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

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@novicefather

My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.

@obijawn

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

@daemonic3

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@amazymay72x

Her: I’ve had gray hairs since I was 16.

Me: I got my grays after I got married.

Hubs: I CAN HEAR YOU!

Me: AND I LOVE MY GRAYS, HONEY!

@Pundamentalism

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

@davepell

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

@EndhooS

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?