@novicefather
My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
@LostCatDog
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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@novicefather
@obijawn
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
@daemonic3
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
@pleatedjeans
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
@amazymay72x
Her: I’ve had gray hairs since I was 16.
Me: I got my grays after I got married.
Hubs: I CAN HEAR YOU!
Me: AND I LOVE MY GRAYS, HONEY!
@TweetPotato314
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
@Pundamentalism
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
@davepell
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
@lovemydogduck
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
@EndhooS
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?