Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
You Might Also Like
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The Punning Dead.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho