“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.