What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
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Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
This is hilarious….
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.