MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.


cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck


god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad


ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce


ME: … a plate


Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint


What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.


DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”