Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*limbos away from your hug*
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
WTF IS THAT!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.