Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
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[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat