MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.