A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
You Might Also Like
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I put the mess in domestic.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in