CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

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On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.


Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”


*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?


From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.


The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.


me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.


*reading note from son:

‘Can I borrow your car later?’


‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’